Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Keepin' the flo

I admit I've been crazy lazy with posting lately and I have been even lazier than lazy with the Sexy Professors Show.

I'm going to make it up to you with this post by having your teef rocked right out of your sexy head.



~Phineas

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Ricardo Honeyboy

Ricardo Honeyboy

in

Ricardo Honeyboy and the Sexy Female Space Banditos

~Phineas

Monday, May 29, 2006

You Know What Is REAL CLASSY

Cry Baby the movie! This movie has it all, love, sex, talented actors, and well written verse. All movies should stive to carry out a socially significant message like Cry Baby. Cry Baby does this with class, real sexy class!!

Ricardo

Lazy times

You know you are getting lazy with your blogging when you are just linking to videos that might explain the ideas you are too lazy to explain.

It's time to play!

SPOT THE RHETORIC.

What is the message to this lil' video ditty?

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I know I know...

...this is old news but something inside me says its great!



~Phineas

Friday, May 26, 2006

Lessons to be learned

Have you ever had thoughts of entering the world of eBay selling? Have you thought you might like to scam people on eBay? Of course not you aren't some malcontent like Amir. Who's Amir? Get to know Amir and his eBay scam...

~Phineas

I heart Terry Gilliam

I'm a big fan of Terry Gilliam. Not just because he's a founding member, and the only American member of Monte Python. I'm a fan for his movies, I love what he does with his movies. I love how he creates this mad world that envelopes in you its insanity.

So for those of you out there who dig his movies, or dig Hunter S. Thompson (big fan of his too) you probably have seen Fear and Loating in Las Vegas and have read it too (I was upset they left out the adrenal gland part). Even if you have seen it you might want to see it again. Here it is for free.

~Phineas

Student Evaluations pt. II

Ahhh Prescott I see you got your evaluations. I downloaded the wrong ones and while reading the comments I was thinking "Sweet Sexy Jesus they must be copying and pasting these comments." I then realized I downloaded the wrong evaluation.

I got my usual for public speaking "He's a hard grader! blah blah blah!"

I did get one great instructor.

However it was my Business Communication class that helped me prove that when you grade easy you get stellar evaluations. They loved me in Business Communication and I can tell you why, I wasn't the evil bastard (evil but sexy) that I am in public speaking.

Such is life.

~Phineas

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Student evaluations

Yes it is the time of year where students can give there two cents on what they think and this is what some of the said:
- HORRIBLE TEACHER. NOT CONSIDERATE OF STUDENT
- This was the sorriest instructor I have ever had.. He acted as if he was high on some drug when came to the classroom, rushed through material as if he had something better to do, and he continuously got into "more interesting" topics during class.. Ex. Mardi Gras, Spring Break, Etc.
- Very unprofessional. He was not consistent with his grading at all as far as speeches. When students come to him with academic concerns, he is not willing to give suggestions. Needs a lot of work as far as organization and professionalism in the teaching environment.
- I was very disappointed in the manner this course was presented. No matter how much work and dedication I put forth, neither my grades nor the teachers enthusiasm increased. This course was inorganic, random, and seemed unconnected with the school's requirements.
Same semester different class:
- I was required to take Speech 101. The class was overall not what I had expected I was honestly scrared, I did notwant to stand up in front of a class and speak, but made the room comfortable and really taught us a lot on howdy be relaxed. He brought in fun ways that you wouldn't realize you were 'speaking publicly' and which hepled ease the fears! Great teacher!
- I actually looked forward to goin to your class everyday. You made the class fun. The stories you told always helped illustrate your point.
- And bla bla bla

These are actual comments made by some students about me this semester from two different classes. These comments make me feel a bit bipolar, but such is the nature of the academy. I know there is a websites for rating professors like ratemyprofessor.com, but when do professors get a ratethestudent.com. If there was such a sight I guess the comments would be similar to the one's students put up. There would be bad comments with no logic behind them and well thought out ones. After I made one of those rating websites and a student flamed me I printed it out and showed another professor and they said welcome to the club. So at the end of every semester I remind myself of that when I read the comments.

Why is it always the most angry students who do not get the grade they want or think they deserve who feels the need to write the most hatefully comments. Where is the accountability on the students side. Is it because it is easier to blame someone else for their failures? Hey, I know there are some bad prof's out there just as there are bad boss's and no one is above criticism, but back it up with logic and support not just sound bite statements that are inflammatory. I know it makes people feel better, but does it help and remember that just as much trash you talk think about what your prof's are saying?

If I were to write student evaluation like students write teacher evaluations this is what it might say:

Student A: They showed up for class late when they showed up. Also keep saying that this class is not suppose to be this hard and are asked to do to much. Did not follow directions on assignments and then complained with the grade that was given. Will more than likely write an angry comment when they evaluate the course and teacher.
Student B: Shows up to class regulary and never said a word never read any of the comments on their assignments and did change their ways.
Student C: Disrupted class constantly with comments that had to do with nothing and thought they were funny.
Student D: Complained about everything could not be pleased I wish them the best in the world they live in.
Student E: Brings in excuses that are hand written on notebook paper from their mom and expects it to work.
Student F: Is a horrible student does not take notes, show up for class, or turn in assignments on time. Do not have this student in your class.

I could go on and on, but enough I need a cocktail and a massage.

Golden Girls Gone Wild

I'm a little bit slutty i'm a little bit a big ole whore

What can I say about this?

Other than Marie Osmond is a doll maker? What the hell?

Pop star-turned-doll maker MARIE OSMOND has launched a personal crusade to clean up the Internet after learning her two teenage daughters have been posting sexually explicit correspondence on their MySpace.com websites. The PAPER ROSES singer felt compelled to give a statement to US tabloid National Enquirer after the publication uncovered outrageous content on her daughters JESSICA and RACHAEL's blogs. On her site, 18-year-old Jessica, who was adopted by Osmond as an infant, claims she is a bi-sexual who craves sex "as many times as possible," while her 16-year-old sister describes herself as a "slut" and a "whore" in correspondence and opened up about her dreams of having sex with DAVID BOWIE. In her statement, shocked Marie, a devout Mormon, says, "I am saddened by some of the choices that two of our children have made. "The insidious potential for harm from adolescent Internet sites like MySpace.com only exacerbates these kinds of problems. "If my being a celebrity figure is good for anything, let it be as a voice of warning to other parents that no matter how protective we think we may have been with our children in the past, we need to become more knowledgeable and even more vigilant now in order to protect them."

~Phineas

Bill O'Reilly

Let's skip the usual pointing out that people who watch the Daily Show know more about current events than people who watch FOX news. Let's skip that people who watch FOX are more likely to think we found WMDs in Iraq and there is a direct link between Saddam and al Qaeda. You can find all that in this link.

Let's go into Bill's logic. First thing's first his causal reasoning. Bill states that when he left university there were no drugs when he came back there were posters of music stars who were known for drug use and lo and behold drugs were all over the university campus. This is false cause reasoning. Bill is drawing causal relationship between drug use and music stars. Perhaps music stars were more open with their drug use because drugs were all over the place and therefore it was more social acceptable. Sorry Bill bad logic.

But the real funny part: He states that for our nation to survive and elect the best officials our people must be vigilant and knowledgable. I wonder if he thought his statements through because the whole while he's saying the people are bone heads and bone heads elect poor representation and look who we have in power; a republican congress, senate and president (worst president ever!). So Bill thanks for making the point that Bush wasn't elected because he's the right man to do it, he was elected because we have posters of drug users on the wall.

*Strike a sexy pose*

~Phineas

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

H2Ope

Political War

If you think there is no major political warfare going on in Washington you are either naive or not paying attention. There is a scuffle throughout the various agencies of our government and who gets it in the tail pipe in the end (really no pun intended...ok there was one but intially I wrote it not thinking of it that way but when I realized it I thought "Heh")? I'll give you a hint...last name Me, first name You, middle name And.

"Lawmakers and outside analysts said that while the execution of a warrant on a Congressional office might be surprising — this appears to be the first time it has happened — it fit the Bush administration's pattern of asserting broad executive authority, sometimes at the expense of the legislative and judicial branches.

Pursuing a course advocated by Vice President Dick Cheney, the administration has sought to establish primacy on domestic and foreign policy, not infrequently keeping much of Congress out of the loop unless forced to consult."


~Phineas

Corporate Sponsorship

Let’s face it Sexy Followers and Sexy Professors we live in a corporate republic. Corporations and special interests pick who will represent them best, not the people. So with that in mind I’d like to offer up an idea. Let’s just come clean with it and find corporate sponsors for specific elections. I’d like to announce that I your Phineas D. Whoopee am looking to be elected to SOMETHING and am in search of a corporate sponsor. I have a few ideas of a good “synergy” for me and my corporate sponsor’s slogans.

McDonalds the leader in toppling those vile evil communist regimes would be a perfect candidate to sponsor my run for political office. We both are well accepted world wide and both jam worthless crap down the throats of people:

“Phineas D. Whoopee for Senator. He’s as delicious and good for you and the economy as a Big Mac. McDonalds and Whoopee Love to see you smile. “

Camel Cigarettes is another great sponsor because they haven’t been able to sell to kids with their cartoon character Joe but now with a Bush Whitehouse corporate responsibility is at an all time low:

“Phineas D. Whoopee and Joe Camel two smooth dudes.”

We Sexy Professors enjoy a drink and then and again and again so it would seem like the perfect match to match my run for office with a distillery.

Original: “Absolut Insert some witty wording”

Whoopee-ized “Absolut Whoopee.”

Exxon. We know our current administration is bought and sold by big oil I want in on that too. If you are worried about the Whoopee name being soiled by be associated with Exxon keep in mind that we’re pretty sure that everything that is wrong with the world is Bill Clinton’s fault (Just listen to Ari Fleischer, Scott McClelan, Tony Snow and Faux News) so don't worry about it.

Original: “A tiger in your tank.”

Whoopee-ized “Put some Whoopee in your tank.”

American Express. What better company to be associated with in these jingoistic times. When you got American in your name and a nice lil’ American flag you are above reproach.

American Express: “Don’t leave home with out it.”

Whoopee-ized: “Phineas D. Whoopee, don’t leave the ballot box without him.”

United Dairy Producers just want you to have strong teeth and bones while they reap loads of dough off of their hormone induced milk products. Kind of like your good ole Sexy Professor.

Original: “Got Milk?”

Whoopee-ized: “Got Whoopee?”

In the Sexy Professors era of good times and smiling politics, communication will be the key to keeping it real so who better to sponsor my campaign than AT&T?

Original: “Reach out and touch someone.”

Whoopee-ized: “Reach out and touch Phineas D. Whoopee...right there yeah!”

UPS has made a name for itself with great delivery and big brown trucks. If elected I plan to deliver results and those results will be big brown trucks driving around with drunk chicks.

Original: “Moving at the speed of business.”

Whoopee-ized: “Moving at the speed of Whoopee.”

While I spent time in Ireland I lived on a diet of Guinness and Guinness hasn’t really created much of a market for itself here in the states. Well that will soon change when they sign onto the unstoppable force that is Phineas D. Whoopee’s political career.

Original: “Guinness is good.”


Whoopee-ized: “Whoopee is good.” or "Sexy is good."

Nothing is more American than a Coke and world domination and under my reign that is what you’ll see more of, people chugging coke (not snorting it you GW Bush people) and world domination in the name of “free” enterprise.

Original: “Have Coke and a smile.”

“Coke is it.”

Whoopee-ized: “Have a Whoopee and a smile.”

“Whoopee is it.”

BMW may be Bavarian MotorWerks but that doesn’t mean I can’t be sponsored by them. Hell some major Taiwan corps paid for Bush Jr.

Original: “The Ultimate Driving Machine.”

Whoopee-ized: “The Ultimate Voting machine.” ooooo! or "The Ultimate Sexy Machine!"

Nike and sweatshops go hand in hand and I'd like to hold hands with that "bidness".

Original: “Just do it.”

Whoopee-ized: “Just do Phineas D. Whoopee.”

In these trying times of losing jobs and retirement funds what better way to wash the pain and misery away than with a cold Budweiser and voting for Phineas D. Whoopee.

Original: “The King of Beers.”

Whoopee-ized: “The King of Kings.” Oops no wait. “The King of Sexy.”

Trojan condoms may be sinful (wink) and promote all sorts of deviant behavior it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take their money.

“Phineas D. Whoopee and Trojan, you’ll wish he had one on when he’s done with the nation.”

Enron. What can I say they paid for all our tickets to Bush Pt II:

“Enron, like Phineas D. Whoopee’s political career, we ain’t dead yet!”

GW Bush Inc. This is the team that said during the campaign that they were going to go into the White House and run it like big business because those guys were on the ball.

I guess they really did because both big business and the White House have been wracked with scandals and have ruined America.

“GW Bush and Phineas D. Whoopee looking out for the rich guy.”

Want to know who’s picking your “elected” officials.


There you have it. Don't worry the next part of the Sexy Professors Show will be coming soon.



~Phineas

Quid pro quo

Prescott, one of our MIA Sexy Proffessors (He and Ricardo Honeyboy have not been frequenting this here blog it has been up to yours truly Phineas D. Whoopee to keep it real. The D stands for "Loverboy"). Let's get this baby back on track. Prescott "The Frozen Hobo" Worthington wrote a rhetorical analysis of the website Drunk Cyclist and sent it off to that ole Drunk Cyclist. After putting down his big gulp of Dr. Pepper and vodka he was nice enought to link to one of our posts. That really jazzed the Sexy Professors (especially Ricardo Honeyboy who took a moment from filming his movie Ricardo Honeyboy and the Sexy Female Space Banditos to smile and nod approvingly).

I found it very interesting, this quid pro quo of cyberspace. So with that in mind I figured I'd write a paper on a website I'd like to get some E-quid pro quo. So my next rhetorical analysis will be about the website Estelle Getty.

Gimme dat, gimme dat, dimme dat Getty!

~Phineas

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Death Star

Wired News has posted the AT&T documents on Big Business/Brother spying on the American Public at the request of the Bush Administration.

AT&T's Implementation of NSA Spying on American Citizens

31 December 2005

I wrote the following document in 2004 when it became clear to me that AT&T, at the behest of the National Security Agency, had illegally installed secret computer gear designed to spy on internet traffic. At the time I thought this was an outgrowth of the notorious Total Information Awareness program, which was attacked by defenders of civil liberties. But now it's been revealed by The New York Times that the spying program is vastly bigger and was directly authorized by President Bush, as he himself has now admitted, in flagrant violation of specific statutes and constitutional protections for civil liberties. I am presenting this information to facilitate the dismantling of this dangerous Orwellian project.

The term Orwellian has bandied about way too much but it is dead on to describe what the Bush Administration in conjunction with Big Business, has been doing.

And for the apologists for this spying on the American public all I have to say to you is that you are truly UnAmerican and are helping the terrorists. No wait you are terrorists.

Pow right in the kisser!

~Phineas

Accountability

On the president's lower than low approval ratings Karl "Satan's Minion" Rove had this to say, and it is very telling about this administration

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Presidential adviser Karl Rove blamed the war in Iraq on Monday for dragging down President Bush's job approval ratings in public opinion polls. "People like this president," Rove said. "They're just sour right now on the war."

Just so we can get another look at his statement: "People like this president. They're just sour right now now on the war."

Ok let's look at this. If I recall correctly (and trust me they will try to work on our memories about this too) it was the President who was pressing for this war in the first place. Is there any accountability? As the commander-in-chief he should be held accountable for this war he is...the commander-in-chief. As this administration has shown over and over they do not want to have any...here it is again...accountability. Nothing is their fault but they are willing to accept the kudos for things they had nothing to do with.

Oh and I didn't forget the last statement of "They're just sour right now on the war." Is that some indication that we will "unsour" in the future. It's all about how you put those magic words together. The Rover is place words in there that make the national mood towards the war seem transitory. No longer is it a permanent national feeling towards the war "This war sucks!" it's something that will pass "Right now this war sucks."

Ahhh words. They are magic and put in proper order you can cast a spell upon people.

~Phineas

CHOMPsky! Taking a bite out of Buckley

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Destroy all icons

As a part of the our never ending mission to tear down any icon we present you with this lil' ditty.

~Phineas

Sexy or not sexy

You decide.

I'm siding with not sexy. Not sexy at all.

~Phineas

Bush Busted



Thanks to the mad photoshop geniuses at Fark for these pictures.


























~Phineas

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Become a Bush speech writer

Now you can make the chimp dance, verbally.

~Phineas

Friday, May 19, 2006

Finally a voice for the masses













~Phineas

The Sexy Professors Show pt IV...I think.

The three sexy professors walk into the room and pose. Phineas holds his pipe thoughtfully, Prescott holds a The Rhetoric by Aristotle as if he’s reading it, and Ricardo opens a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Sam: Well well well if it isn’t the Sexy Professors.

Detective #2: Ha! Pabst Blue Ribbon? Pabst Blue Ribbon is not sexy.

Ricardo looks at the other two sexy professors, smirks and points at the detective.

Ricardo: Get this guy. He thinks sexy is conducted through material objects. Listen up detective sexy is not cast upon a person but the person shines through with sexiness. So when Ricardo Honeyboy holds a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon you can bet your life that it’s sexy not because of the Pabst but because Ricardo Honeyboy is holding it.

VOICE OVER: The Sexy Professors brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The detective looks away in shame as Sam the head detective walks between the Ricardo and the detective to cut off the sexy argument.

Sam: Ok ok! What brings you three here?

Phineas: We hear that there is another sexy situation at hand.

Sam: There is nothing sexy about murder.

Prescott: We never said murder was sexy. We do however find it interesting that a hot naked coed was found on the scene, so something sexy happened before the murder.

Ricardo begins to chug his pabst and nods in agreement.

Prescott: Now if you all will give me a few moments alone with the dead girl I believe we can get to the bottom of this.

Phineas: For the love of sexiness Prescott no one believes you can talk to the dead.

Prescott: You don’t?

Ricardo: No. We were only humoring you when you said that skull could talk to you and told you where you could buy discount candy.

Sam: Alright that’s enough we have official business here could you three please go do something other than be stupid here.

Ricardo walks over by the president of the university’s desk and looks at a notepad on the desk.

Ricardo: This is interesting.

He holds up the pad to show it has a date written and time circled.

Phineas: Hmm interesting (he lights his pipe again for effect) it says that the president has a meeting and only a couple hours before the death took place. Interesting.

Prescott: Interesting indeed. Perhaps the meeting went sour with the student.

Ricardo: I disagree. Here on the rest of the pad of paper are a bunch of doodles. One of what appears to be a cowboy shooting a monkey. Hmmm. And this appears to be a rocketship shooting some kind of line from it at another rocketship.

Phineas: Those are lasers. And look a man with a giant mustache. It appears the president did have some kind of a meeting because those are the doodles of someone bored. We see them all the time in our classes.

Prescott: Speak for your selves my students don’t doodle.

Phineas: You’re right Prescott. I’ve seen murals that would put Michelangelo to shame after one of your lectures.

(laughter)

Ricardo: Right and the ones that aren’t painting murals are having a nice nap.

(laughter)

Prescott: At least…At least…Oh damn I got nothing. Ok let’s get back to the matter at hand.

Sam: Interesting so you think he did have a meeting. But what was the meeting about?

Phineas: Let’s see if we can find anymore clues around the office. Hey look a business card. It says Boundaries Inc. a subsidiary of Halliburton. A fence making company. Interesting.

Prescott: Interesting indeed.

Prescott takes out his pipe and lights it and looks away thoughtfully.

Ricardo: Why would a fencing company be in a meeting with the president? This we must look into.

To be continued.



~Phineas

Faces of Meth

Ya know I never realized until now that the Faces of Meth was a play on the Faces of Death videos that was the right of passage for every teen boy in my age group.

Any way here are a few befores and after pictures for meth. My personal favorite is number 11.

~Phineas

Net Neutrality

Here is some good news.

STATEMENT OF SENATOR HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON ON NET NEUTRALITY

Washington, DC – “I support net neutrality. The open architecture of the Internet has been the critical element that has made it the most revolutionary communications medium since the advent of the television.

Each day on the Internet views are discussed and debated in an open forum without fear of censorship or reprisal. The Internet as we know it does not discriminate among its users. It does not decide who can enter its marketplace and it does not pick which views can be heard and which ones silenced. It is the embodiment of the fundamental democratic principles upon which our nation has thrived for hundreds of years.

I have always, and will continue to strongly and unequivocally support these principles. As I have worked throughout my Senate career to make broadband access readily available throughout New York State and our nation, I believe that maintaining an open Internet coupled with more broadband access is necessary if we are to meet the promise and the potential of the Internet to disseminate ideas and information, enhance learning, education and business opportunities for all Americans and improve and uplift our citizenry.


That's right the sexy professors "uplift" citizens! Mmm. I could get totally sexy on this baby but I'll refrain because I don't want to blind our readers (all none of them) with the sexy statements I could make.

~Phineas

The blues in a red state...or is it?

The current political map looks a lot like this.

However, it is a long time (politically) between now and September. I wonder which tired old scam will the Republican play on next. Fear? Or will it be Fear? Perhaps it will be fear? Any way you look at it it seems like it will be fear.

Fear of the homosexual.

Fear of the terrorists.

Fear of illegal immigrants.

When will people get tired of this group who wants to scare the shit out of them all the time? Of course the Democrats will find a way to fuck it all up between now and november 2006/2008. But let me bask in the warm blue glow of this nation right now. And let me stop point my finger and laugh like Nelson Munce because people are finally coming to the point where I can say "I told ya so."

~Phineas

Thursday, May 18, 2006

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

Brilliant

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

More fun with the sexy professors

I thought we all might have some sexy fun if we sent this letter to various cemetaries in our towns.


Insert

Your

Address

Insert

Local

Cemetery

Address

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to you with a problem. But let me start this letter out on congratulating you and your cemetery. When ever I think of a great place to rot away I think of insert local cemetery name here. I have yet to hear of one complaint about your cemetery, so far no stories of misplacing bodies or zombie’s looking for brains fiascos. In fact I think that might be a good idea, kind of like the McDonalds Billions Served You could have a sign out with 0 Zombie Attacks I know for a fact that when people look to lay their loved ones to rest they look to see if that loved one might return to chomp on their brain. You can use that idea free of charge.

So let’s get to the reason I’m writing this letter to you. I have recently looked at a house to purchase and it turns out that the house is located next to your cemetery. Now I’m not one to fall for superstitions but this one happens to be true. I was told that if you didn’t hold your breath while you were around, driving by or near a cemetery the inhabitants of the cemetery would haunt you. Not zombies but ghosts so the sign could still apply. Like I said the only way to fend off these “hauntings” would be to hold your breath. This leads me to my problem. If I purchase this house I will have to hold my breath all the time I’m in my house. Now I don’t know about you but I spend a lot of time in my house so that could lead to some problems. Now not only have I heard that your cemetery is zombie free but I have heard that you are by far the nicest cemetery in town so I’m sure you’ll want to help me with my problem. I really do not want to suffocate because of holding my breath. Nor would I want to go unconscious and fall upon one of my large collections of spiked bowling balls I like to place all over the floor of my place of residence. Nor would I want to be haunted by ghost of any kind.

So here is what I propose to you. I suggest that you dig up all the bodies and move your cemetery to another part of the town. This way I can purchase the home and not worry about suffocating, blacking out and falling on one of my spiked bowling balls or having ghosts haunt my house because I didn’t hold my breath. I understand that this might be troublesome and timely but if you are willing I would be happy to wait a week or two before moving into the house.

I thank you for your kind attention and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Yours truly,

Insert your name here



~Phineas

Pentagon Video

(Washington, DC) Judicial Watch, the public interest group that investigates and prosecutes government corruption, announced today that Department of Defense released a videotape to Judicial Watch at 1:00 p.m. this afternoon that shows American Airlines Flight 77 striking the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. The Department of Defense released the videotape in response to a Judicial Watch Freedom of Information Act request and related lawsuit.

I'm no conspiracy theorist but that does not look like a passenger plane.

The Sexy Professors Show pt III

Scene: Outside the Sexy Lair (looks much like Hef’s place) it’s night time. The sexy lair is illuminated with a few ground spotlights giving it a sexy look of sexiness. The door to the sexy lair suddenly opens and the sexy professors come rushing out still in their smoking jackets and sexy pants. Prescott is still smoking his pipe while Phineas lights his as Ricardo begins to take swigs from a bottle of expensive port.

The three run to the Sexy Mobile which is a wicked cool van with a bubble window on the side and picture of a unicorn and a rainbow on the side. Phineas stops and points at the picture.

Phineas: I’m telling you Prescott this looks totally gay.

Prescott: That picture took me two days to paint I’m going to let it stay there another year then we can do your picture. Though I’m not sure how a Star Wars scene is any cooler.

Ricardo: I still think my idea of a Female Space Bandito in a skimpy bikini and large jugs would be the best one.

The three both look thoughtful.

Phineas: I’m going to have to agree with Ricardo on this one.

Prescott: But unicorns are sexy.

Ricardo: Sexier than a female space bandito with large knockers?

Prescott: We’re wasting valuable time. If we don’t get to the President’s office those so called “detectives” will get a jump on our solving the crime.

Ricardo jumps into the drivers seat while Phineas jumps into the passengers side. Prescott opens the sliding door to jump into the waterbed in the back of the van. He manages to get into a sexy pose like he’s all ready for some hot lady or female space bandito to come to bed with him. And there is a possibility that could happen.

Fire shoots out of the tail pipe of the van while Phineas looks out the side window at the fire. He leans back in to quip with the fellow sexy professors.

Phineas: That looks like felt after eating that Ethiopian food.

(laughter)

The three sexy professors zoom off into the night.

Meanwhile at the office of the president police officers are taking picture of the sexy dead coed. Not that she’s sexy now that she’s all dead and stuff but she was once sexy before she was killed.

A stereotypical hardboiled detective in a trench coat (with a suit on under it. He’s not a flasher…or is he) is standing over the body. His partner in a trench coat too comes in holding a pad and pen.

Detective #2: Well Sam it appears she was killed some time around 9 pm to 11 pm. As I’m sure you can already tell she was bludgeoned with a candle stick here in the president’s office’s library. Are there any more clues.

Sam Detective #1: We will soon find out. Just as long as we aren’t interrupted by those damn Sexy Professors. They always stick their sexy noses into our cases and some how through their amazing analytical minds are able to solve the crimes with sexy results.

Detective #2: And they never invite us to their sexy parties.

Sam: Yes sexy parties are where its at.

To be continued.



~Phineas

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Old news

I know this shiz is (g)old but I loves me this.

Watch this news cast

Then watch this

Then laugh your ass off!!!!

~Phineas

Monday, May 15, 2006

Big Brother's Big Business

I was thinking of changing my mobile service for reasons that I have yet to identify other than my own sexiness was overpowering and calling for a slight change. I was thinking of some and Verizon was one of them because I totally love those commercials (Text is horrible with conveying sarcasm). Then the whole NSA scandal came out. Verizon along with the Death Star, AT&T, were among those big "bidnesses" that handed over the numbers to Big Brother.

I knew at that point I would not do business or "bidness" with those companies. Now some people are taking it further, to the logical conclusion.

NEW YORK (CNN) - A lawsuit is asking a federal court to order President Bush, the National Security Agency and Verizon to end a secret snooping program, and Verizon's stock took a hit on the news Monday.

stock fell more than 1 percent on the New York Stock Exchange early Monday.

The suit, filed Friday by two New Jersey lawyers on behalf of ll Verizon subscribers, contends the phone records collection - first reported by USA Today on Thursday - violates the Constitutional right to privacy and federal law.

Now let's think of this on a couple o' levels.

First level Tort Reform. With the Right's tort reform such lawsuits as the Verizon one that is seeking $50 million dollars will be a thing of the past. There will be no accountability to an "entity" that only looks for and respects money. Nevermind that a large contributor to the Democratic party are lawyers.

Now let's talk about at the second level the organizations involved. Look at the main players in the NSA scandal AT&T, BellSouth, and Verizon. These "thugs" are the same mafia looking to rip off our internet.

Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the Internet's First Amendment -- a principle called Network Neutrality that prevents companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast from deciding which Web sites work best for you -- based on what site pays them the most. If the public doesn't speak up now, our elected officials will cave to a multi-million dollar lobbying campaign.

Now would you want organizations like that controlling the internet? These companies want to control information and when you control information, that should be free, well that just ain't sexy.

~Phineas

Even more sexy news

From the Sexy News Association Telegraph Corporate Headquarters (put that acronym together)

Old Rich White Dudes Can’t Catch a Break

D.C. (SNATCH) – The National Organization of CEOs (N.O. CEOs) has filed a law suit against various law enforcement agencies citing racial profiling.

“All around the nation it’s no longer safe to be an old rich greedy white dude. There is this air of suspicion and this air is created by the media and the law enforcement agencies of the United States.” Said the spokesman for N.O. CEOs Harry Palmer. He went on to say that just because a few rich old white CEOs were raping and pillaging America’s economic landscape did not give the right for Law Enforcement to assume all rich old white CEOs were doing the same.

“I was driving around in my Mercedes I recently bought by giving myself a loan from my company when I saw the ole red and blue lights flashing.” Said one rich old white CEO J.P. Moneybags. “I hadn’t done anything really wrong but nevertheless the man started to harass me. Asking me if I knew of or was planning to cook accounting books. Well I never!”

Since the latest corporate scandal hit the nation scores of old rich white dudes have been rounded up by the government for questioning.

“It’s not the poor black woman, or the hard working Korean store owner who is causing these problems. It’s not those people who declared war on the average American, its rich old white dudes who have done this.” Said Officer David Whitey of the Seattle Police Dept. “And because they are the ones who have been the predominant ones to commit these crimes we must scrutinize them.”

But Harry Palmer of N.O. CEOs doesn’t agree.

“Convicting a whole race and age group is not the American way. Besides we are at war with terrorism shouldn’t the government be occupied with catching and detaining those Middle Eastern men who are the real terrorists?”



~Phineas

Expert testimony

Read this then watch it on the link at the bottom…

Here is the BBC's latest star - the cab driver who a leading presenter believed was a world expert on the internet music business.

The man stepped unwittingly into the national spotlight when he was interviewed by mistake on the corporation's News 24 channel. With the seconds ticking down to a studio discussion about a court case involving Apple Computer and The Beatles' record label, a floor manager had run to reception and grabbed the man, thinking he was Guy Kewney, editor of Newswireless.net a specialist internet publication.

Actually, he was a minicab driver who had been waiting to drive Mr Kewney home.

Baffled, but compliant, the driver was fitted with a microphone and allowed himself to be marched in to the studio. Cameras rolled, and he was quizzed live on air by consumer affairs correspondent Karen Bowerman - who missed the cabbie's panic-stricken expression when he realised he was being interviewed.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

It's all about the Heinrichs

In July Iran will ditch the dollar in favour of the euro as the currency in which it will accept payments for its oil and natural gas exports, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Friday.

The switch, first mooted months ago, was expected but Ahmadinejad's decision comes just as Washington is stepping up pressure on other United Nations Security Council members to act against Tehran for flouting agreements taken with the UN's nuclear watchdog.

Ahmadinejad's announcement, made in Baku, Azerbaijan where the Iranian leader is attending a regional economics conference, appears aimed at weakening the United States' resolve to seek sanctions against Iran if it does not comply with the UN International Agency for Atomic Energy's demands.

Some observers beleive the Iranian move could deal a severe blow the the American currency as many central banks from oil importing nations could choose to stock up their currency reserves with euros rather than dollars- AKI

Sexy News

And now some sexy news brought to you by The SEXY NEWS AGENCY. The only news agency that makes the news even more sexy.

AMA Report: Dr. Dre not a real Doctor

New York (SNA)- In an announcement today that rocked the Medical and Rap world the AMA, American Medical Association, announced that rap icon and producer Dr. Dre was in fact not a licensed doctor.

“We were aware of Dr. Dre’s funky beats and dope rhymes but we weren’t too sure if he was an actual doctor licensed to practice medicine.” Said Thomas Whitey M.D. in a press conference. “So we did some research and found no registration of a Mr. Dre.”

With that revelation the AMA recommended that Dr. Dre cease and desist all references to himself as a doctor.

“He may be a surgeon when it comes to cutting up and sewing together the beats. And he may have a laser surgeon’s precision with dope ass rhymes but he is not a registered Doctor. I don’t even think he has a Ph.D. and that isn’t a Playa Hata Degree.” Said Lester Cracker M.D. a member of the AMA.

“Perhaps he can refer to himself as Mr. Dre. Or Well Informed Citizen Dre but we must insist he stop referring to himself as a doctor.” Said Dr. Whitey.

Dr. Dre has yet to respond to this shocking allegation.

Haw haw!

~Phineas

Friday, May 12, 2006

60 years ago


The other day I was leaving campus, having given a brutal test to my students /sarcasm. When I got into my "fly ride" I looked over at the truck next to my "fly ride" saw this lil' number.

I know it's a horrible shot. I tried taking the picture with my camera phone in the morning with the "picture window" facing the east. What you are looking at in the red circle is a doll of a "Muslim" man hanging from a noose. If you look closely you can see his beard pointing to your right. His head is angled like it's broken, which we can surmise was made that way.

I don't know if you are as appalled as I am over this? Perhaps you aren't because of 9/11. However, I want you to think about how racist this is, especially in the south.

I'm not only blaming the person who has this in their truck for promoting racism and violence. The "entrepreneur" who created these dolls is also guilty of being a racist dickhead, but what makes it worse for the "entrepreneur" is that he's making money off it.

So for this the owner of the truck and the business person who created the horrible item I give you "Scumbag of the Week" award. This is one of the unsexiest things you could be. Think about it SCUMBAG. You both bags o' scum. I would call you bags o' wank but that's too good for you.

~Phineas

That good ole fasion slippery slope

Japan's government is pushing for the passage of an anti-conspiracy law with potentially far-reaching consequences. Called the Kyoubouzai Hoan (conspiracy or collusion law), the legislation appears headed for passage in the diet (parliament) as soon as next week. In its present form, it could result in Japanese citizens being detained or punished for merely agreeing with one another.

Oh I COULD give you thoughtful commentary about this but I'm going to use a rhetorical device and allow you to come up with the conclusion to this story...

~Phineas

Who speaks for you?

"One government lawyer who has participated in negotiations with telecommunications providers said the Bush administration has argued that a company can turn over its entire database of customer records -- and even the stored content of calls and e-mails -- because customers "have consented to that" when they establish accounts."

Oh really? We consent to giving up our freedom when we sign up for a phone account. Since when?

~Phineas

The Sexy Professors II

Phineas walks into the room, removes his tweed coat with the elbow patches and puts on a clotting blood red and black smoking jacket. He pauses to fill up his pipe and light it taking long sexy drags from the pipe and looking thoughtful (all a tension builder). He walks over to the bar and begins to mix himself a martini.

Ricardo (as he enjoys some brandy from his snifter): I assume this sexy situation is of utmost importance.

Phineas (through clenched teeth holding his pipe): The utmostiest.

Prescott: does it have to deal with dead hookers?

Ricardo: Or live ones. I prefer live ones.

(Laugh track this is a dramedy after all)

Phineas: Unlike Count Worthington over there.

(laughter)

Phineas walks over to his leather chair and eases himself into it while placing his martini on the table next to his chair. He holds his pipe and looks thoughtfully.

Phineas: It appears our arch-nemesis Admini-Stra-Tor is at it again. A body of a young co-ed was found in the office of the President of the University while at the same time the President wants to cut funding to our college.

Prescott: Cut funding to our college! That’s an outrage!

Ricardo: What about the dead young lady?

Prescott: Well that’s an outrage too but the funding cut really hits home.

(laughter)

Ricardo stands up from his lounging position on the bear skin rug. He grabs a pen from the pocket of his smoking jacket and begins to twirl it around his thumb like all god debaters. He raises his left fist to the sky.

Ricardo Honeyboy: This looks like a job for the Sexy Professors.

Prescott: First job, Professor Honeyboy covers up his doodle.

(laughter)

To be continued.



~Phineas

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Sexy Professors

The Sexy Professors in



Another Sexy Situation

Starring

D as Prescott Randolph Worthington the III

G as Ricardo Honeyboy

T as Phineas D. Whoopee

With special guest star

M as Seymour Manhoor

Scene: Close up of the cover of Rhetoric Society Quarterly. The first article listing the authors The Sexy Professors’ latest article Ascots, pipes, and martinis: The rhetoric of sexy. The camera slowly pulls out to show that Prescott Randolph Worthington the III is reading the journal. Prescott is wearing a blood clotting red and black velvet smoking jacket. He has a super sophisticated pipe in-between his teeth. The camera pulls out further to show lounge of the Secret Lair of the Sexy Professors. Prescott removes the pipe and looks up to the left thoughtfully. The camera follows his gaze to the mirrored ceiling then down to Ricardo Honeyboy laying on a bearskin rug in front of a fire. He too is wearing a blood clotting red and black velvet smoking jacket. He’s drinking burgundy from a crystal snifter. Two scantly clad sexy women come over to him and begin to feed grapes too him.

Barry White’s I’m qualified to satisfy you plays in the background.

Camera goes back on Prescott who comes out of his reverie.

Prescott: “I say Ricardo things are a tad boring around here.”

Ricardo: “I agree. Ladies please excuse us as we figure out what to do about this boredom.”

The scantly clad ladies leave the room, giggling of course.

Prescott: “If only we could use our amazing analytical powers to maybe solve a sexy crime…”

Ricardo: “That would be sexy!”

Camera moves to the door to the sexy lounge. It opens and in struts Phineas D. Whoopee. (cue applause sign). He walks over to the rest of the sexy professors.

Phineas: “Good day chaps. It appears we have another sexy situation.”

Theme song (Do ya think I’m sexy by Rod Stewart) plays for opening credits.

To be continued.



~Phineas

Redo

Sorry all you sexy people out there but I have decided to rewrite the Sexy Professors show in a script format and redo somethings.

Some changes

T is no longer Clark Brando but Phineas D. Whoopee

and special Guest star

M - Seymour Manhor

So put on your ascots or your sexy underwear (for the ladies) and allow the Sexy Professors to come back with a script for their show.

I promise that you'll be dancing in the streets and maybe even riding donkeys through the streets singing the praises of the Sexy Professors.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

The Sexy Professors Show

I hate to repeat myself. I mean I really really hate to repeat myself, but repeating myself helps people to remember those things that I need to repeat. Anyway...Now that I got out of the way that I hate to repeat myself let me get on to repeating myself.

Television is in a rut. All the shows seem to be about police officers, doctors, lawyers and families. That time has come to an end with the new show Sexy Professors. For the first time EVER you sexy readers get to read the first episode of the Sexy Professors here on our blog. I'm sure after you read this show (in a narrative rather than script because we need to work on the script a bit more and let's face it it's easier to write that way right now) you'll go bananas for it. You'll be dancing in the streets and singing at the top of your lungs "Finally a show that speaks to me and tells it like it is...real sexy!" Now I'm no witch or gypsy so I can't see into the future but I can make an educated sexy guess and I think that when television producers see people dancing in the streets they will want to cash in on that jiving so we'll get a TV show and before you know it you'll be able to purchase that OFFICIAL SEXY PROFESSOR ASCOT AND PIPE set.

The Sexy professors real names have been changed to protect their identities and protect their girlfriends/wives sanity.

Key to name changes:

D = Prescott Randolph Worthington III

G = Ricardo Honeyboy

T = Clark Brando

So sit back, relax and enjoy the first episode of Sexy Professors

Another Sexy Situation Pt I.

Prescott leaned back into his supple leather chair as he puffed on his pipe and read his latest article in Rhetoric Quarterly. When he sat back the leather was so fine it totally didn't like make a farting noise which would not have been sexy at all. He sat there deep in thought when he looked down at Ricardo how was lounging on the bear skin rug enjoying a snifter of brandy and eating grapes.

"I dare say Professor Honeyboy though I enjoy the academic pursuits we need to go out and solve some crimes using our academic skills and sexiness."

"I agree and while we do that we meet sexy young ladies who like to watch me dance."

They both nodded in a totally astute way that only a person with a PhD could really do. You know what I mean the way you totally can tell they are super smart and way sexy.

Suddenly Clark came in through the door really excited (not that way you perverts!).

"It appears we have another sexy situation upon us!"

(Theme music to play Rod Stewart's Do Ya Think I'm Sexy)

The opening credits consist of still shots of the professors being sexy, teaching classes, and jumping from large fireballs.

to be continued...


Light the fire...

...sit down on the bear skin rug and have a sip of some sweet sweet booze. It's sexy time.

We sexy professors are working on our latest addition to the academic knowledge!

Ascots, pipes, and martinis: The rhetoric of sexy.

In our paper on the rhetoric of sexy we examine the persuasiveness of the aesthetics of sexy. The literature behind the study of sexy is a bit lackluster. This comes as no suprise to the Sexy Professors because there are very few sexy professors out there so why would they want to study something that will drive them crazy?

So get ready for the rhetoric of sexy all you sexy people who read this (all none of you) you'll be the first to read our breakthrough sexy research!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Stickin' it to the man

I've always enjoyed the sexiness of "the people" finding ways to F with the man. We've seen it in different ways such as the rave at Wal Mart or fun with Culture Jamming. Now we can see another new way to screw with the uniformity of the box store culture.

We the people often seem powerless compared to these multi-national corporations who have bought our government but we aren't. It is our creativity and ability to quickly adapt that allows us to constantly outwit these dinosaurs. We can find ways to "legally" screw with them and hopefully get away with it.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Prostitutes are not sexy

I'm going to stand up for what is right and what is moral and go out on a limb and declare that prostitutes are not sexy and they are not morally "correct"...so why does the Republican majority think we are common hookers?

~ Phineas